Monday's Musings

Today is one of who knows how many where the heat is unbearable. It started about 2 days ago and will be around for awhile. Doesn't matter that I'm here in the woods surrounded by trees, it's still damn hot. This may be just a bit out of the ordinary for Minnesota. This usually occurs about the time of the state fair. I am not a lover of this type of misery, but will graciously not whine about it. Big of me I know. 

In looking at my past post, I was really feeling sorry for myself I would say. I have typed the part about figuring out what it is that will fulfill me in retirement and I have pasted it on the cupboard as a reminder that this new adventure, is indeed an adventure. I'm feeling good today. It's a Monday and the whole week is before me. I'm not sure what it will bring but there are possibilities. I know that on Wed I'm going with one of my sisters to spend time with my mom. That is always a good time. My mom likes to go on drives and so do I and my sister, so we may take a tour of who knows where. 

Have attended 2 musicals in the past week. Saw "9 to 5 the Musical" on Wed and then saw "West Side Story" yesterday afternoon. Talk about bringing back memories. The music for the first was okay. Dolly Parton wrote the music. I think what made this musical memorable was because of the movie in 1980. There is so much history that comes to mind when you see a movie such as this. Do any of the young women today take the time to reflect or even explore what gave them the opportunities they have today? Sure the movie was a comedy but it was quite reflective of the times. My,my how far we have come. "West Side..." what can you say? Beautiful music, beautiful story. Romeo and Juliet set to the 60's only Juliet lives. That musical is timeless. In listening to "America" I couldn't help but think of what many immigrants think today. A land of opportunity. The struggles portrayed then are the same struggles as now. The conflicts the same. I suppose you could ask why can't we all get along? Why does there have to be bloodshed. The reality is that there is no easy answer. There are going to be haves and have nots. How do we help each other? Thoughts like this always get me off on a tangent. I'm going to stay focused. What was my focus anyway? 

The here and now. My gardens are doing fantastic. Zucchini this week and soon beans. Have lots of lettuce and onions. Tomatoes are looking great too. I will post pics soon. Flowers are beautiful and uplifting. Twins are doing well in baseball. I shall end on a good note. Pretty, I feel pretty, oh so pretty....!! WL

Retirement Struggles

It's been 6 months now since last I cared for a neonate and longer that I held one or fed one. It's been a hard week for me or maybe it's been going on 2 now. It would be very foolish for me to say at this point that retirement was not the way to go. We (Ms K) and I talked about it. We had spent time together as the unit where I worked had been slow. I began the letting go part. And so when it took place...freedom. Well, that's how it would appear. Funny how different things begin to occupy your time and thoughts.

I would imagine that everyone that approaches retirement has their dreams and thoughts about how it will occur and what will happen next. The reality is that it doesn't necessarily go like you thought it would. Right, no obligations to a specific work day per say but that doesn't mean everything else grinds to a halt or ceases to have a schedule either. 

I'm pretty sure that 6 mo is really not time enough to get my head straightened out. But I sure am having a hard time of it right now. I thought that I would just like to be on my own and just be here in the woods. Alas, somewhere in the past 30 years I got hooked and have thrived on being around people, talking, laughing, teaching, sharing. I've had lots on my mind lately but right at the top is missing my friends. I've met with several for lunch or coffee and they might not know it but they have given me peace and after being with them I can go on. We talk, I listen and I feel good. If I've been in a funk, seeing them has helped. The decision I made was the right one, but I never,ever imagined it would be so hard. Ms K didn't seem to have a hard time. But then again she did not work with the awesome folks I did nor in such a neat environment and with the support I had. That accounts for a lot of this I know. Sometimes when I'm talking to my friends they ask me if I want to go back. I don't know, but I sometimes think about it. What is it exactly that I miss? I really don't know. Friends, that's what I miss. I have them but not seeing them is hard. 

Now as I'm writing this and thinking, maybe what I miss is the comfortable feeling that I had. I knew what I was doing and I was good at it. Now the challenges I face are the opposite. I have no clue what I want to do. And the thought of doing something new is scary.

We/I knew when we both retired that there would be changes financially and we had talked about it. But I was not prepared mentally for the significant changes that meant. Bills still have to be paid. Ms K is still working about 2-3 days/mo. While I'm not, I am starting to think about it. The extra $ would be nice and I really think that I should be doing more with my time than planting flowers and mowing the lawn. I honestly thought, wow, no work...let's do this, let's go here,we've got the time. The reality is that these things take money and while it's there, that money also must be available when we both no longer work. So even though we have it saved, I can not spend it all at once just doing and going. And that my friends is my issue...delayed satisfaction. I know, I know, there are projects that I want to do. I will, I swear!! I'm just having a hell of a time adjusting!!! What should I do? There will be a new Kwik Trip opening in Z-town this fall. Now there would be a change. I'm starting to look at volunteer things as well. 

So in writing this I start to feel a bit better. I have been so messed up. Sad and mad and miserable. On the inside... and that's not healthy now is it? I'm starting to feel better already. That's really what writing this blog is about. Not only sharing but a way for me to sort things out as well. Well, maybe this one time. It really shouldn't be a place for me to whine. It should be a place for me to shine!! Give me time folks, give me time. I did find this in another blog and by golly I think it explains what I've been going through.
When you leave your job, it’s not just the salary you are leaving behind.  You are leaving behind other things that you may have enjoyed, things that may have engaged and fulfilled you.  In retirement, you have to figure out what it is besides money that you got from your job and find a way to get that on your own. 
Now why couldn't I have just figured that out by myself? But there it is, nicely said. So now I know what the struggles are. I just have to find a way, and the way, my way.
I should just go cut some wood. That would probably help too. WL